I grew up in nine different foster homes.
Nine. And I’ll be honest: for a long time, that number felt like something to hide. Like it said something about me. But throughout my journey, I realized my experience was unique.
The majority of the homes I lived in were families who had been doing this work longer than I had been alive. But on the other hand, there were a few that were truly problematic for many of my brothers and sisters experiencing foster care.
An Unprepared Foster System Meant Unprepared Families
The message to foster parents back then was pretty simple: here’s a kid, he needs a place to stay. And that was about it.
The system didn’t always know what to do with kids like me, kids like many of us. A kid who was showing typical teen behaviors: grieving and acting out. And then, as with many like me, I was moved around from home to home — the families I was placed with didn’t have the tools to understand what was actually going on underneath all of it.
I don’t say that to be hard on those families. Most of them were good people, and some of them had been fostering for 20 or 30 years. But it was the 90s, and “trauma-informed care” wasn’t exactly the hot topic of the decade.
The message to foster parents back then was pretty simple: here’s a kid, he needs a place to stay. And that was about it.
What nobody said out loud was that I’d lost several family members in a six-month period while in care. That I was a teenager trying to process a kind of grief that most adults struggle with. That the behaviors they were seeing weren’t me being difficult — they were me drowning. And when families didn’t know how to respond to that, the answer was usually just to find me somewhere else to go.
So I moved. Again and again.
The Role of Father Figures
Not only did he teach me how to be self-sufficient and how to think through problems, but he also showed me that a man can be warm and nurturing. That you can give grace to people and let yourself receive it, too.
I don’t tell that part of my story to be heavy. I tell it because it matters, and because in the aftermath of trauma and loss, I found amazing connections.
The part of my experience I’m most grateful for is something I didn’t expect going in: father figures. Growing up without a dad around, I had no idea what that was supposed to look like. How do you carry yourself as a man? How do you stand on your own two feet? Those weren’t questions anyone in my life was answering. But in some of those nine homes — especially the last one — I found men who showed me.
My last foster dad had a significant impact in my life. I still call him Pop. Not only did he teach me how to be self-sufficient and how to think through problems, but he also showed me that a man can be warm and nurturing. That you can give grace to people and let yourself receive it, too. That’s not something I saw modeled a lot growing up, and I held onto it. I still hold onto it. It’s a big part of how I show up for my four kids and the young people I mentor.
That’s what I want people to understand about foster care. When it works, it really works. Not just for the years a kid is in your home, but for the rest of their life.
The Foster System Today – Are We Still Unprepared?
Now, I work on the other side of things as a child welfare professional and advocate. And one of the biggest things I see across the country is a gap between the resources available to foster parents and the resources they actually use.
Ask pretty much any agency, and they’ll tell you, “We have so much available!” Training, support groups, counseling, all of it. And they’re usually telling the truth. But then you go talk to the parents, and a lot of them have no idea any of that exists. Or they vaguely know it does, but haven’t had a spare hour to figure out how to access it.
Let’s face it, parents are really, really busy. They’re holding down jobs, running households, and parenting kids with important needs. Sending them a PDF with a list of resources isn’t support. It’s just more stuff to lose track of.
In my career, I’ve found that what actually works is partnership. Walking alongside families instead of just handing things off. There’s a word I use a lot: navigators. We need people who will navigate parents to the resources — not just say “it’s out there” but actually get them there, sit with them, help them figure out what applies to their specific kid in their specific situation, and then follow up.
That way, it can be applicable, and they can show up for their young people the best that they can.
And nothing about this is one-size-fits-all, because every family is different. Every kid is different. The support has to flex to fit the situation, not the other way around.
So How Do We Help Foster Families Show Up in 2026?
We need to make sure the families who open their homes actually feel supported enough to stay, to grow, and to show up the way my Pop showed up for me. At Families Rising, we’re training professionals to be navigators for their families, and we’re showing parents that challenging behaviors are windows into the real grief, trauma, and loss that their kids are experiencing.
If you’re thinking, “I have no idea how to do that,” there’s no shame for you. You are not alone, and we’re here to provide coaching and training to help your family and kids succeed. Take a look at our resources for parents and professionals and reach out to us for personalized support. We’re better together.
I didn’t have a perfect experience growing up in care. But I had enough people who showed up for me at the right moment, and enough grace from the right person at the right time, to become someone who got to build their future.