By Kim Stevens, Families Rising program manager
Since 1995, November has been celebrated as National Adoption Month and every year it is clear that, while the larger community thinks positively about adoption, many people are wondering how does this all affect me? Creating a family through adoption is not for everyone, but everyone can do something positive to recognize and celebrate adoption.
1. Acknowledge and celebrate the new family.
Think about how you acknowledge marriages and births within your circle. Everyone gets together and throws a party, maybe a religious rite, certainly a celebration of some sort. For many families who adopt, they find that family and friends do not think to honor their new family member in the same way. It could be that a big celebration or party would be too overwhelming for the child(ren). If that’s the case, organize your circle to bring a “welcome basket” filled with gift certificates to family-building activities and eateries, picture frames, and other gifts that fit the family.
2. Offer your time.
Can you offer the parents a break here or there? From 1-2 hours of child care while a parent does some errands or has some me-time, to a weekend of respite, providing a welcoming place for a child to have another positive relationship with and adult while their parent rejuvenates is worth more than gold!
3. Drop off a kid-friendly meal.
Adoptive parents are often in a position to choose between taking care of day-to-day chores and giving their child the undivided focus they need in the moment. A mac and cheese casserole or spaghetti and meatball dinner is an unexpected delight after a long afternoon.
4. Provide tutoring.
Homework is one of the most disruptive and relationship-challenging activity that parents are expected to participate in. While adoptive families are working on building connectedness and a trusting relationship, any disruption can be a barrier. As an adult who does not have an emotional attachment to the adopted child, you could offer some much needed help one or more afternoons or evenings a week.
5. Provide an apprenticeship.
Child and youth thrive when multiple caring adults commit to their growth and well-being. Do you have a trade, talent, or skill you could share with an adopted youth? Such apprentice-like arrangements offer a chance for a young person to build their sense of mastery and accomplishment.
6. Schedule play dates or youth outings.
Adopted children and youth can often find themselves left out of typical childhood experiences. Make your home a welcoming place for adopted children to play with your kids. Volunteer to coach sports or facilitate scouting groups and make it clear that adopted kids are welcome in your group.
7. Be a source of hope.
When an adoptive parent trusts you enough to share their trials and tribulations with you, respond in ways that are helpful and supportive. Offer your time and help. More than anything, help them remember the positives, recall a fun or funny event with their child, and share your own impression of the child’s strengths.
8. Remain non-judgmental.
When asked about advice they have received, almost all adoptive parents can cite multiple occasions when family, friends, and strangers offered feedback like, “you shouldn’t let her walk all over you,” “tough love would be a better approach,” “you need to get that kid under control,” or some variation of disappointment and negativity about the way they are parenting. Be that friend, family member, or community member who does not judge. It will be appreciated more than you could possibly know.
9. Ask and offer specifically.
Don’t just say, “I’m here if you need me.” Offer specific ideas of how, when, and where you can really be there. Some ways to do this are:
a. Pick a day and time that you are making yourself available – “I’d like to take your kids to the park this Wednesday after school so you can get have some time to yourself.” “I’m at the grocery every Saturday morning. Why don’t we set up a weekly grocery pick-up that I can grab while I’m there and bring to you?”
10. Be an ally.
When you hear adoption in the conversation or read/hear something in the media, speak up in a positive way to support adoptive families and their children. Word of mouth is powerful – an ally that does not have a direct connection to adoption can be incredibly effective in getting the conversation to deepen, widen, and grow more positive and supportive.